Denial

That was what I saw when my grandma first heard and reacted to the fact; the fact that even I had had difficulties to accept it; the fact that could be considered as one of the most shocking moments in my life, easily ranked the top place; the fact that I have to abandon the old memories and rewrite it.

The fact that we are moving to a new home, 40km from our old home.

Denial.
We used to hear that people tend to become more and more denial when getting old. You can say that too. One of the possible explanation is that as we get old, we get familiar with our surroundings: the way we eat, the way we think, the way we look at things, etc.

With deeper familiarity comes greater denial.

We refuse to accept changes in our life. We refuse to change our way we think. We refuse to see the way younger generations see. We refuse to adapt to new lifestyle, colloquially named 'Generation-X'.
And that is what happening to my grandma, or rather, in some sense.

I still remember the words she said back then. It has been revolving around my mind whenever I think of home:
"What's the point of moving to a new home? We have gotten quite used to this home already. We have lived here for the past 20 over years some more..."
And dad would try his best to persuade grandma. And that was last year.

Initially I had the same thoughts as grandma. I had been living there for almost 20 years. All my childhood memories are there, like what my brother blogged, the durian trees, the warehouse, the badminton court, everything (but he forgot about the tadpoles we used to catch at the abandoned warehouse ruin :P). Moving to a new home means we have to adapt to a new surrounding, where the nearest convenience shop is 2km away from house; where there are no neighbours around us; where we are almost separated from the outside world, having to drive along unpaved road for almost 5 minutes just to leave the estate.

As time went on, I became more and more excited about moving to new home. I guess I am not old enough to have any denial.

March 14th, the day finally came when we moved to the new home,
but I never get the chance to pack up my things;
never get the chance to hitch a ride on lorries with all the furnitures;
never get the chance to experience the feeling of moving;
never get the chance to see our new home for the first time;
never get the chance to see how mum 'packed up' those chickens and rabbits;
never get the chance to see what is the reaction of my family;
never get the chance to see what will the chickens and rabbits feel;
never get the chance to bid my neighbours goodbye;
and never get the chance to see my old home for one last time.

Fast forward, I did went home on April 23rd, and this post was supposed to be posted on 25th, but I was too busy. I suppose I have the responsibility to post updates from family since I'm the only son still staying here. I was pretty excited about seeing my new home, my new room. Though it is pleasant, I do feel there's something lacking. The memories...

I went home with my eldest aunt and 3rd aunt. Finally I saw my grandma for the first time in 2 months, and thank God, she still looks fine and healthy. I was around when grandma was chatting with my aunts. Grandma was half-complaining that she can't walk around due to the fact that the compound is too huge and she might accidentally tripped on something, and so dad restrict her to walk too far from house. I realized that I was spying on my grandma, seeing how she adapted to life in new home. However, it was not a pleasant sight.

Grandma is 80 over years old. As usual, moving around might be a challenge to her. In the 3 days duration of my stay, I noticed that her daily activities (on weekend) are usually sitting around at home or walking around. She never gets to do most of the houseworks like she did back in old home as my other aunt is there to help her. She never gets to feed the chickens and rabbits as the backyard is also very dangerous to walk around. She never gets to cook as my aunt will do that. The only thing she can do is prayers, but that has some restrictions too. The main door to the house has a few steps of stairs, therefore my dad does not allow her to walk out unnecessarily, even to answer prayer. Dad will help her to stick the joss sticks.

There is no land-line in our new home, therefore there is no more Panasonic cordless phone with huge buttons and simple speed dial function that grandma loves to use to call my relatives and chat the whole day long. Now she has to resort to use those 'futuristic handphones' with small buttons and screens. She is able to use it to some extent, but it is not as effective as the good ol' Panasonic cordless phone.

Life must be hard for grandma for not able to do the things she wants to do, what's more with the feeling of denial. I feel sorry for her, even when I came back here.

I feel sorry for almost every single day ever since I left my home again on April 25th. And that is why I called home on Mother's Day just to wish her.



Funny how it is always the old people who suffer the most when changing to a new life, despite the fact that they may have tried to adapt to new life for a few times and have more experience in life, isn't it?


~Keat~